Within the span of less than three weeks, Americans faced a school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, that killed 19 children and two teachers; a racially-motivated mass shootingin a Buffalo, New York, supermarket that killed 10; a mass shooting in a Tulsa, Oklahoma, hospital that killed five; and threats of another mass shooting at a California high school. Gun violence of this volume and frequency is a uniquely American problem that leaves many of us feeling terrified and helpless, and the fear and anxiety that follow mass shootings are real—even if you weren’t physically close to the action. “Gun violence, especially in schools and against precious, innocent children, is traumatic, horrifying, disgusting, heartbreaking and devastating,” therapist Christina Furnival tells Parade. “These tragedies rock us to our core and shake up our sense of safety and wellbeing. We should be able to send our children to school knowing that it is the safest place for them, second only to our home. But events like those at Robb Elementary School in Texas often lead us to question everything and to not know how to process what we are feeling nor how to hold space for what our children are feeling too.” If you’re feeling shaken, scared or even desensitized, you’re far from alone. From being still to being the change you want to see in the world, here are professional tips to cope with the emotional aftermath of gun violence.
Psychiatrist and Therapist Tips to Cope With the Fear and Anxiety That Comes With Gun Violence
Give yourself room and permission to feel whatever it is you’re feeling—and to identify it.
One of the most important things to remember after a traumatic event is that your feelings are valid. Board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Sue Varma tells Parade that this isn’t limited to just gun violence, even though that’s an unfortunately common incident in the United States now. “How do we process grief, loss and trauma after a mass tragedy? Or hearing about war or anything bad happening in the world? I think it’s important to have some emotional awareness,” she said. “Be aware of how it’s impacting us specifically.” Furnival concurs. “If we give ourselves permission to feel sad, scared, disgusted, confused, frightened, anxious, we open ourselves up to listening to what the feeling is trying to tell us, and we can be intentional with our actions in response to our emotions,” she said. “Allow yourself and your children to feel whatever comes up without trying to make it go away. Feelings have to be felt, and when we hide from them, ignore them, or push them away, they have a sneaky way of popping up, often in inconvenient times or in unhelpful ways. With anxiety and fear in particular, when we avoid them, we actually make them grow bigger.”
Be conscious of your anxiety symptoms—and know that they may not necessarily be what you expect.
“Anxiety may manifest itself in different ways. Your anxiety may not be about gun violence, it may be about health,” Dr. Varma says. “I know a lot of people who end up in a strange way coping with the uncertainty in the world by then putting their energy into worrying about illnesses in their body that they don’t have. If it’s lasting more than two weeks, seek help, but remember that it is normal. Just because it doesn’t necessarily last three weeks doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help. What’s happening in the world isn’t normal.” Some symptoms to look out for, Dr. Varma says, include:
HeadachesNauseaDifficulty sleepingNot wanting to go to work or schoolWanting to consume too little media or too much mediaAvoidance
“The symptoms can last however long. There’s no finite amount [of time they’ll last],” Dr. Varma notes. “It could be days, it could be weeks. If it’s going on for more than two to three weeks and it’s affecting your health, talk to a mental health specialist.”
Be mindful of the media you and your children consume
After any sort of tragedy—be it gun violence or even a natural disaster—the 24-hour news cycle can drag your anxiety out and exacerbate it. It’s important to vet your news sources as well as to gibe yourself breaks from the constant barrage of information. “I hear a lot of people telling me that they have difficulty sleeping at night and that they feel very triggered by the news, so I would say be very mindful of what you’re consuming throughout the day,” Dr. Varma says. “A lot of times increased media use, specifically in children, can be very stressful and can raise people’s anxiety, so be mindful of your news sources, to not have it on all day in the background, to not get push notifications if you don’t want them.” When it comes to your kids, it’s up to you how informed you’re comfortable with them being. “Be intentional about what information your children receive. If they are young, it is possible to shield them from the event completely while explaining your feelings as they relate to something ‘sad that happened far away,’” Furnival, author of Capable Kiddos, explains. “If your children are older or have heard about the tragedy from peers, you can explain with a little more detail, such as, ‘In Texas, there was a shooting where children were injured.’ And if they are older and have heard all the details, or are connected to the events, you will share more. Regardless of the age of your children and the details you reveal, it is okay to not have all the answers. Please do what you can to reassure your children of their safety, even if you’re questioning it yourself. Children take their lead from us and it’s our job to help them feel stable and safe.”
Let your kids know it’s OK to feel whatever they’re feeling—and demonstrate that emotional safety for them
Furnival says that in addition to being a parent, it’s important to remember you’re also a human being, and to extend the same compassion and acceptance to yourself as you would for your kids. “As a parent, we can support our children by saying things like, ‘You feel really shaken by the news and that makes sense. I do too. Feel whatever you need to feel. I am here for you,’” she advises. “We can also model healthy emotional expression by speaking with our children about our own emotions and offering age-appropriate explanations. We can tell our children, ‘You saw mommy/daddy crying. I have lots of feelings about what happened. I feel really sad and scared. At the same time, I feel grateful that we are safe and I feel determined to do something to help prevent more tragedies from happening. I am here for you even when I have big feelings.’”
“No comment” is a fine comment
Being conscious of the media with which your surround yourself applies to social media as well: Dr. Varma recommends unplugging completely and avoiding commenting on or doom-scrolling through social media if you’re feeling anxious. She recommends disconnecting for at least a few hours each night and leaning into your everyday activities.
Be careful not to shut out the world
While unplugging somewhat can help ease your anxiety, avoidance can exacerbate your anxiety while not rectifying any of the problems at the root of the gun violence epidemic. Further, if your coping mechanism is avoidance, it can have a negative impact on your kids’ mental health as well as your own. “When we use avoidance to manage our anxiety symptoms, we feel a temporary and fleeting sense of safety. What this counterintuitively does, however, is to make the target of our avoidance seem even more daunting and fear- or anxiety-evoking. It sets the tone for further avoidance, thus making the specific anxiety even worse,” Furnival explains. “And as a parent, we want nothing more than to see our children thriving happily, which may lead us to accommodate their fears and anxieties. We help them avoid what is triggering their anxiety instead of helping them face their fears and learn how to work through the discomfort.” She added, “In relation to gun violence, fear and anxiety may tell us that we and our children are unsafe at school and need to stay home. It makes so much sense to feel that way. And as we process our feelings with our children, maybe we do let them stay home for a day or two while we load them up with love and extra hugs. That said, it is important to know that the longer we keep our children home, we are reinforcing the feeling of school being dangerous and the bigger the fear of going to school will become. The true likelihood of a violent attack on a school is low, though it feels much bigger, especially following this recent tragedy.” Dr. Varma advised that tuning out the news entirely can hinder the possibilities positive change. “Sometimes being in that mode of shutting the world out can be beneficial because it helps you get through the day and take care of your responsibilities,” she said. “But too much of it can make us feel numb or desensitized, and we never create action or change in our lives—and I feel like we’re at that point right now where we are becoming numb and desensitized.”
Ground yourself in the moment
According to Andrea Dorn, psychotherapist and author of When Someone Dies, grounding techniques can make a big impact on keeping yourself present and mentally healthy during times of high anxiety, especially after mass shootings and other traumatic events. “In the wake of tragedy, it is important to communicate to your mind and body that you are safe,” Dorn explains. “Grounding your awareness in the present is a powerful way to check the facts about your current status of safety. Even a brief moment to pause and intentionally connect with your breath can improve your ability to regulate uncomfortable emotions, stay present in your life, and reduce anxiety.” Dorn recommends the following:
5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Ground through your senses: Name or write down five things you see, four things you hear, three things you feel with your sense of touch, two things you smell, and one thing you taste.Using a mantra (find some ideas here)Butterfly Hug Technique: Cross your hands in front of your body and interlock your thumbs so your hands look like a butterfly. Bring your butterfly hands to your chest and slowly begin tapping just under your collarbone with your fingertips, alternating hands. Do this for 1-3 minutes or until you feel your body release and relax.
Practice self-care
Dr. Monica Vermani, clinical psychologist and author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas, advises to take care of you to keep you from dwelling on the state of the world—and to make it easier to eventually make positive changes. “Engage in extra self-care practices. Do things that lift your mood and facilitate joy. Eat, sleep, exercise, and maintain a normal daily routine,” she says. “It’s much easier to cope with emotional distress when physical basic needs are met, and you’re able to manage and maintain your energy levels well.”
Get moving
Exercise can be a great way to get rid of a lot of the nervous energy you may be feeling, as well as to help clear your head and give a much-needed dose of endorphins. “Physical movement of any form can assist in letting go of built-up emotional energy and in releasing powerful feel-good chemicals that help to fight against anxiety and depression,” Dorn advises. “Take a walk, dance, do 10 jumping jacks, whatever works for you—just get moving.”
Get creative and play
It seems almost counterintuitive to respond to a major tragedy with play, but hear us out. “People of all ages can benefit from letting go and using play, art or other creative outlets as ways to process feelings,” Dorn explains. “Play and creative expression allow adults and children alike to approach difficult concepts and feelings while building control and mastery. You can leverage playtime to not only work through any anxiety and other emotions related to difficult experiences in life, you can also use play and creativity as powerful methods for grounding yourself in the moment which can be a helpful distraction from challenging thoughts and feelings after a tragedy.”
Exercise compassion and support for yourself and others
Perhaps more than ever, it’s important to be gentle with yourself and others after a mass gun violence incident—and to make others feel seen. “In tragedy, it is truly connection with others that can be most healing—we heal better together,” Dorn says. “Connect with family, friends, your spiritual community, volunteer, reach out to a therapist, or find other ways that feel best to you to create points of connection with others. In a world where we are increasingly independent, intentionally creating a community where we are able to offer support and feel supported, not only creates a safe space for us, it models the importance of relationships for others.” Dr. Vermani emphasized the importance of reaching out to others and keeping a close eye on your little ones. “It is not uncommon for individuals of all ages to experience stress reactions when exposed—even through media—to incidents of mass violence,” Dr. Vermani notes. “Watch children for regressed behaviors, such as clinginess, and intense emotional reactions, such as anxiety or a strong need for retribution in adults. When necessary, encourage individuals to seek the help of a licensed professional counselor who can provide needed support.”
Stay informed of your kids’ schools’ safety protocols
Dr. Varma says that familiarizing yourself with the safety precautions at your kids’ schools can give you and your children a bit more peace of mind moving forward after a mass shooting. “Being in touch with the school to find out what’s happening for safety and letting your kid know that you are part of the change, that you are trying to help best to ensure safety in their school [can alleviate anxiety],” Dr. Varma says. “I hate that these drills are part of routine matter nowadays—we were used to fire drills, stranger danger, say no to drugs.[It’s important to recognize] the stresses that young people face these days are different and they’re more complicated.”
Seek professional help and know that it isn’t a sign of weakness
Asking for help is a sign of strength. If you’re struggling, you don’t need to suffer in silence. “Seek out resources in your life to help lift you out of dark places,” Dr. Vermani says. “Invest in establishing a relationship with a professional therapist, psychologist, or counselor who you can call upon to help bring in perspective or give you coping skills in times of high stress, depression and anxiety.”
If you’re a fan of the Second Amendment, don’t end your conversations there
The Constitution is important! We get it and we see you. That said, gun violence is not an issue to such a large degree in any other first-world country, so while your Second Amendment right is nice to have, it’s not an excuse to end any and all discussion about the prevalence of guns and the impact American gun culture has on the greater good. “We’re not talking about banning guns, and I feel like so many people shut the conversation down because they’re saying that ‘I have a right! Second amendment!’ We’re not talking about taking guns away from people,” Dr. Varma says. “I want to say something really important that I heard today from a gun owner who said that, ‘With rights come responsibility.’ This was very interesting to hear from someone who was a gun owner to say, ‘We need to collectively do something.’ I think action is really important in these situations where we feel extremely helpless.”
Take action and donate to causes focused on the prevention of gun violence
You’ll feel more in control and less helpless about the gun violence epidemic in the United States if you take action to rectify it and stay abreast of the progress being made. “With many tragedies come change. There is much work being done with a focus on innovative solutions to incidences of mass violence,” Dr. Vermani says. “For example, there have been many recent advances in Behavioral Threat Assessment, a multi-disciplined approach to evaluating and intervening in cases where individuals show signs of potential violence and harm.” “I do think that absolutely giving donations to reputable organizations that are trying to help with violence and gun violence prevention and safety—and having your children write a letter to local congresspeople, whatever you can do [can help your anxiety],” Dr. Varma says. Donating to the following causes are a great way to affect positive change to prevent further senseless, needless and heartbreaking tragedies from gun violence in the future:
Sandy Hook Promise: Founded by the parents of two victims of the horrific Sandy Hook school shooting, Sandy Hook Promise aims to end school shootings and empower individuals and communities to prevent violence.Sandy Hook Promise Action Fund: The sister organization to Sandy Hook Promise, the Sandy Hook Promise Action Fund focuses on advocating for and passing legislation to increase school safety and access to mental healthcare.Newtown Action Alliance Foundation: The Newtown Action Alliance Foundation focuses on gun violence prevention, as well as supporting victims and survivors of gun violence.The Brady Campaign: The Brady Campaign focuses on gun control measures to prevent gun violence, especially in marginalized communities, and provides pro bono legal services to fight against the gun lobby.Everytown for Gun Safety: Everytown for Gun Safety advocates for legislation and leaders who will embrace gun control measures to prevent future tragedies.Violence Policy Center: The Violence Policy Center focuses on research on gun violence and ways to best prevent it.
If you believe gun violence is solely the result of a mental health crisis and not guns, you can donate to these causes:
NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness): NAMI focuses on providing access to mental health care and support for those who need it most.Mental Health America: Mental Health America seeks to provide competent and caring mental health services to those who need it, as well as to advocate for mental health patients’ rights.
Next, whether you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, addiction or another mental health issue, here are the 10 best online support groups to check out.
Sources
Andrea Dorn, MSWChristina Furnival, MA, LPCCDr. Sue Varma, MDDr. Monica Vermani, C. Psych
